Taxes or death?
I was working hard on taxes last night, very overwhelmed, very stressed, very tired. He keeps saying we should just file for an extension. I don't want to do that, because that will just delay the pain.
It is quite ironic that he's the one wanting the extension, seeing that his work receipts and such are not done. Mine aren't done either, but I'm not home all day. Now, I'm not saying he's not doing anything useful, but there are time critical things that need to be done before the laundry and the web surfing.
I worked through as much as I could and started talking about what he needed to do before I got home this afternoon. He started objecting, saying he'll try, but.... This caused me to question what he was doing at that very moment. "Looking at this website." And can't that be done after taxes are in? *d-e-f-e-n-s-I-v-e* So, we proceed to disagree on what can and/or should be done by this afternoon.
Don't tell me taxes can't be done on time when your share isn't even ready and you are spending time surfing.
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Dearest Honey,
I'm writing you this letter, because I believe it will help me address issues between us without immediate, emotional reactions. I hope that you are receptive to this letter.
I apologize for being upset and stressed about taxes. I understand that I am unpleasant to be around when I'm like that. Unfortunately, I'm venting my frustration with not finding receipts and not having enough time, and it all comes out on you. It shouldn't. I'm sorry.
I appreciate the help you have provided me in tallying up numbers and the like. I also appreciate all the household chores you've been doing so that I can spend every non-working, coherent moment working on the taxes. I wouldn't be able to get them done in such a short time frame without that help.
Whether or not we choose to file an extension is less important than the response I got when I started talking about what things needed to be done before I got home from work today. At the time of the discussion, you were surfing a website. From what I gathered, it was not a website that pertains to taxes, which prompted the ensuing disagreement. You seemed instantly very defensive of your time and what you had already done yesterday. I did not accuse you of not doing anything yesterday. I did not accuse you of anything (I think). I was trying to ask you to stop doing what you were doing and focus on the paperwork that wasn't yet done. Being defensive isn't going to get anything accomplished. I don't know *why* you felt defensive about your time yesterday. I'm not going to guess, which would probably lead me to a wrong assumption. I'd rather hear you tell me about it. I'm trying to lay down my arms with this letter. I hope you will try too.
I feel so burdened with taxes that I have a hard time watching anyone do anything "recreational" while I slog through the misery of taxes (I'm just being dramatic---don't give too much weight to my choice of adjectives).
I recognize that this feeling is a result of the way I was raised. I was taught that I'd better not be enjoying myself or doing anything other than work when someone else was struggling with something that benefitted everyone. That would be seen as unappreciative of the struggle that the other person was enduring for my ultimate benefit.
I have known about this reaction in me for many years. I have seen instances where this learned situational response does not elicit the same response from you. I logically know that I should not and cannot expect you to react the way I was taught to react in these situations. This has and does frustrate me. Not because of something you did, but instead, what you *didn't* do. You may not have realized that what I really wanted was help and support. Direct help and direct support. That does not include idle supportive yes and no answers while you are busy doing something enjoyable or otherwise recreational.
I was also taught that when something critical needs to be done, one must put off non-essential things (especially anything "recreational") until the critical item is finished. Again, this is something that does not seem to me to elicit the same response from you. I can't speak for your feelings or upbringing, but these things were entrenched very deeply at a very young age for me. I can't say that I disagree with it either. It is why I was able to keep my grades so consistently high in school. I wouldn't have gotten through physics at all if I hadn't done this again and again and again. And it is what allows me to jump around from project to project when priorities change at work (or home for that matter).
Focus is part of this. "Focus" on the highest priority. "Focus" was a favorite buzz word for several of my teachers in high school. I think I used to be a lot better at focusing than I am now. I think part of that is due to the sporatic interuptive nature of living with kids. Sometimes I have to force myself to focus these days. At work, I rarely have a problem with focus, unless something is weighing heavily on my mind (like right now). At home, I am rarely able to focus on a particular issue. This is noone's fault, it just is part of life with kids. Focusing on the highest priority is difficult at home, but it must be done at times. It is more unpleasant for me to not have the taxes done than it is to focus hard and do them. Inadvertently, I'm expecting you to feel and act the same way. I cannot expect that.
Please help me understand. We need to communicate. I apologize if my chosen method of communication (this letter) is not agreeable to you. I need some way of getting my thoughts to you without the emotional response usually generated. Obviously, I must care, otherwise I wouldn't get emotional. But that emotion gets in the way of us sorting things out. I'm sorry for that.
I love you and I want us to be on the same plane. I hope that we can get there together.
luv u,
me
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