27 April 2010

Yesterday, during our NIRCam weekly meeting, HF discussed three separate ETC topics.

1.  Thermal Backgrounds - VL has already requested a time to discuss this.  HF thought that today's WIT meeting, if time allowed, would be good.  He then asked BB (?!) to confirm with VL that this would be okay.

2.  PPS discussion led to a request for the WIT to weigh in on how targ acqs would be done in the APT and the ETC.  BS sent a message to VL, indicating that in order to "break the ice" we should meet.

3.  The SWIG would like to have some sort of ETC available for the Grand Tetons meeting next spring.  HF does not want to see a duplication of effort and I agree.  This came through MS in the JWMO.

All of this was a bit disconcerting, but I didn't pursue any of it due to time constraints.  I was busy with numerous other things.  I did send a heads up email to VL to expect a message from BB (as directed by HF).

Then VL calls me and says that she is dismayed by this email from BB and is ready to go talk to PG about the WIT/SSB liaison.  I thought about it for half a second and realized that I couldn't let her talk to PG before I could talk to HF.  It wouldn't be right.  Icky.  I don't want to go there.  So, I told her that I needed to speak with HF before she says anything to PG.  So, I emailed HF asking for a chat.  I thought hard about how I would approach HF and what I wanted to say.  I wanted to be very careful and not overturn the cart.  Just get it straightened out.

I decided the communication issue was safest and most immediate.  Information was not flowing, but was being tossed and bantered about in all directions.  BB to VL, VL to me, HF to me to VL.  All mixed up.  Recent emails and the distribution of the ETC info at the NIRCam meeting were the most apparent examples of this.  I mentioned VL's name quite a bit, though I think I was using it as a crutch to avoid discussing what was really bothering me, which I did not want to raise at this time.  HF was receptive and said that it needed to be fixed.  He could just instruct everyone that if their email even mentions the ETC to cc it to me.  I said that I might end up in a deluge of emails and HF responded that that could be fixed if needed later.  I agreed.  At least twice during our discussion HF said he didn't know if an individual knows that they should funnel ETC information through me.  Those would be BS and MS.  Now, I actually think they both might have been aware that I was doing something with the ETC, but if people in general don't know to keep me informed, then I think it is HF's duty to make it apparent to everyone.  I probably should have said so to HF directly, but I didn't.  I need to learn how to do this tactfully AT THE TIME IT OCCURS TO ME, not just later after I've had time to mull it over.

I chatted with VL, since I wanted her to know what I did and did not discuss with HF.  I confined it to the communication issue only for now.  Let's get this straight and the other might right itself on its own as time goes on.  VL was fine with that.  But she seemed highly agitated FOR ME and for herself.  She didn't want to do the thermal backgrounds at the WIT meeting without me there, since I think she wanted to be able to draw attention to me and make others identify that I was doing this work and they should interact with me.  I felt like I wanted to soothe her, but wasn't sure how.  I don't want to hold up the schedule and it is already tight.  We need to move ahead on talking with the teams.  I think she resigned herself to having to do the WIT meeting without me, but still wasn't thrilled with it.  She said she would give me a full report after the meeting and that she would be talking with PG about the liaison issue, either before or after the WIT meeting.

I had felt a lot of trepidation about going to HF.  I focused my thoughts on the communication issue.  I tried to distance myself from VL's emotionality about the quantum effect.  I wanted to be calm and clear.  No emotion.  I think I succeeded.  And I think I got what might have been better results than if I had gotten the least bit emotional in HF's office.  It was hard, but I came to realize that I separated the emotion, presented the issue and stayed on a clear track with HF.  That's the way I want it.  It would have been easy to let VL's emotional response infect me.  But I know myself.  And I know it wouldn't benefit me or the discussion with HF.  I need to avoid the tendency to be pulled in by the emotions.  And I think I did this time.  That is a breakthrough.  I am proud of my resolve and the use of my defenses.  Defenses against the easy and usual emotional response.

I need to remember to tell FB about this situation and its apparent resolution.  This isn't exactly the same concern I raised with her regarding individuals who might not be supportive of an RIS as an instrument team lead, but I want to point out to her that the resolution of this situation could lead to better circumstances during WIT meetings and more recognition to RIA/Ss as warranted.  Time will tell.